Leaving, Longing, and the Everlasting

“I want to go home.”

I don’t think I ever actually said it, but that was one of my most common thoughts when I was eight years old. My family had just moved from Wisconsin to Missouri, and I was decidedly less than enthused. Instead of a nostalgic lakeshore and a foot of snow, I had dull brown grass and an inch of sweat. My friends had been replaced with strangers. Most importantly, what used to be a walk down the street to see my grandparents, aunts, and uncles was now a six hour drive. When my cat’s temperament changed and she ran away due to the stress of a new environment, I was convinced: moving had ruined my life, and I was ready to go back.

To my great disappointment, we didn’t. But after several years, I didn’t miss home in Wisconsin quite as much as I did before, and Missouri, for all its shortcomings, quietly became home in its own way. I was finally comfortable there, and through our close friends, we had even gained more family. It had taken five years, but I decided I could be content.

Or, at least, I might have been. . . if my change of perspective wasn’t followed by the announcement that we were preparing to move again, and that our friends were moving opposite ways on the same day.
My parents described Colorado as a place with incredible beauty, amazing weather, and (almost) no mosquitos. The lack of mosquitos I could get behind, but I adopted a firm indifference to the rest of it. The more I heard about people being “proud Colorado natives”, the less I wanted to be there. It certainly didn’t help that we spent the next two years in limbo at a rental while my parents searched for the right place to build a house. We didn’t know where we to start looking for a community, so I spent most of my time talking to people who lived far away and wishing we were anywhere else. My idea of home wasn’t the same anymore, because no single place had everyone I wanted to see. I spent a lot of time trying to distract myself from dealing with the fact that I once again had lost everything that was familiar and everyone I loved.

We were able to visit with our family and friends on occasion, and after one such visit, I had my first relationship with a girl from Missouri. But one day, she unexpectedly told me that God was leading her in a different direction. Every expectation I had about a future with her fell apart in an instant. I felt confused and purposeless, so I brought my questions to God.
As soon as I did, I saw clearly that I had been idolizing my time with her, as well as with all of the other people I cared about. In contrast, my relationship with the Lord did not have priority and I recognized that as the reason He kept removing me from what I cared about most: to remind me how much more important it was to focus on Him.

I could only be at peace where God had placed me, with what my life was supposed to look like when I looked to Him instead of to things of the world. God pulled my attention fully back to Him where it should have been all along, and I dedicated my time to Him in earnest. It was refreshing, and I was convinced that I needed to avoid the possibility of romance, lest it become a distraction from keeping God first in my life.

That’s when I met Audrey. She is unique in a lot of ways, but one thing that stood out to me about her from the start was her strong conviction to serve the Lord in missions. Growing up in a Christian home, I had enjoyed many stories of missionary work as something cool that some people were called to do, but not something that I ever could do personally. Nevertheless, when I listened to her enthusiasm, I heard God asking me “have you considered missions?”

Um, no. I hadn’t, God. I’m certain I’m not the guy you want for that. Thanks for asking.

“Why not?”

Well, shoot. That’s not the kind of question that there is a good answer to.

Of course, I had several reasons–or maybe excuses. I am an indoorsy homebody who wants to live near my family for the rest of my life. I have large medical needs due to diabetes and was studying computer science to have a stable career. Missionary work was about the farthest thing imaginable from that picture, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt a desire to find a way to use my skills for the purpose of advancing the gospel. I didn’t have any leaning toward a particular company, role, method, or industry, so I began to pray for wisdom and guidance.

Over time, I slowly began to realize that I liked Audrey as more than a friend, which seemed utterly counter-intuitive. After all, wasn’t I supposed to focus on God rather than on a relationship? I prayed against those feelings, believing that they were simply a distraction, but God consistently pointed me to her anyways. It took a while, but I finally was convinced that she was where God was directing me next.

However, that came with the implication of committing to missions.

Even though there was a lot about the idea that scared me, it felt strangely strangely right. As I looked back at my life, I could see a reason for each stage of life that God placed me in. He is the one who provides everyone and everything that I love, and every time He has moved me away from something, His plans have had new lessons, experiences, people, and memories for me. With that knowledge, the unexpected change-filled nature of missions can’t be anything other than the next logical step. God was faithful to care for my needs and has had a plan for my life before, so it stands to reason that He will be again. I have no doubt that following Him will bring the best results, no matter where that may lead.

Even considering all of that, I still deeply desire to be with all the people I love at once. However, that wish is not the same as before. What I’ve learned is that no place or person on this earth can fill that longing in my life, because my true home as a Christian is the place that Christ has prepared for me with Him in heaven. I will always be apart from the family that I cherish until we all are there together, along with the rest of the redeemed sons and daughters of God. So instead of looking backward, I’m waiting for the future when I will get to spend eternity in the presence of Jesus and joyfully worship Him with my whole family: the whole church from every generation. Being present with Christ is what will fill me in the way that nothing on this earth ever could.

But since I’m not in that place yet, that means I’m here for a purpose. This short life on earth is my only opportunity to tell people who need a savior about the God who embodies everything that they need. Someday, God might use my witness to add to our family of believers, and there is nothing in this life that could ever come close to how worthwhile and fulfilling that would be. Because of that, I’m committed to going wherever the Lord leads until it will be time to go home to Him. 

Right now, I’m preparing to go on mission for the first time alongside Audrey, who has become my beloved fiancée. The way God has used her to support and encourage me in growing closer to Him has been a tremendous blessing, and it is an even greater blessing to look forward to more growth together. Someday, when we both are home in heaven, we’ll be able to hear stories of God’s power and faithfulness in the lives of all the saints, and I can’t wait to see what story He will create through us to add to them!