“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” – C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
I think the more any one person gets to know their own psyche, the more that they realize humans are a load of contradictions. No matter how consistent one might seem to be, I find there is almost always something that seems to go against the grain of their personality. Just because someone is generally quiet and thoughtful doesn’t mean they don’t have an impulsive streak, and even the most social butterfly can actually have very few people they truly trust.
In myself, I find a deep, abiding desire for two completely different things. On one hand, I am extraordinarily restless: I like to walk and explore, discover and experience new things. I love to travel, I need to wander, and even when I’m sitting down to read, I think the books I choose reflect that inclination. I love to read about grand adventures and long journeys, and put myself into those stories as one of the heroes. I remember once as a little girl driving myself to tears with the fierce longing for Narnia to be real, and wishing that I somehow could get there.
I want to embark on an epic journey of my own. To adventure.
At the same time though, every time I leave home, I can’t help but feel a yearning to go back to it. I spend time missing it, even when I’m living out the adventures I had always dreamed of. Most of the time it’s more of an underlying thought, but at other times it’s all I could think about.
I want to return to that place of safety and surety, the place I feel I belong. Home.
I bring this up now because I find myself at the beginning of a grand adventure, far away from home, it a strange land almost completely foreign to me. And while I’m full of excitement and expectation, I also miss my home more than I ever thought I could. To be honest, I find the dichotomy rather frustrating. This is what I wanted. I spent months feeling that if I stayed home one more moment I would bust… but now that I’m here, it’s all I can think about.
I found an understanding of this exact mixture of feelings where I usually do… in literature. The Lord of the Rings to be exact.
(Yes, I know. Please, hold back your gasps of surprise.)
But in all seriousness, Frodo deals with this same restlessness throughout the first few chapters of the book. The Shire is his home, it always has been, and yet there’s this restlessness, and this sense that he doesn’t belong there.
“For some years he [Frodo] was quite happy and did not worry much about the future. But half unknown to himself the regret that he had not gone with Bilbo was steadily growing. He found himself wondering at times, especially in the autumn, about the wild lands, and strange visions of mountains that he had never seen came into his dreams… …Frodo began to feel restless, and the old paths seemed too well trodden.” (43)
This feeling isn’t cured by his adventure. Instead, he starts to dream of home on his journey, showing that same desire, but this time it is to return to it rather than leave it.
Spoiler alert: He does make it home, but he is now gripped with the sense that he no longer belongs to it.
“‘There is no real going back. Though I may come to the Shire, it will not seem the same, for I shall not be the same. I am wounded with knife, sting, and tooth, and a long burden. Where shall I find rest?'” (989)
And I think therein lies the true question: rest cannot be found on a long journey, and yet we return home to find it missing.
Where do we find rest?
Where do we belong?
Well let’s go back to the beginning.
“So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them… …Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good…” (Genesis 1:27,31)
We were created in His image, with Him in the garden… and it was very good. I get a feeling Adam and Eve were perfectly content there, doing the job they were created to do with the one who created them. In his book With, Skye Jethani says, “God welcomed humanity into the eternal communion he had known since before time. We were created in his image so that we might live in relationship with him.” (14)
Unfortunately, Adam and Eve chose to trust themselves, and we now live in a broken world, separated from the goodness of God by a vast chasm of sin that we can never hope to cross alone. He made a way for us to re-enter right relationship with Him through His Son (Romans 6:23, John 3:16), but even as believers we are still bound by our mortal bodies to this earth. We are not yet back to that very good place, walking with the Lord through the garden.
But we will be.
“Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea. Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.””(Revelation 21:1-4)
Just as Frodo takes his journey over the glassy sea to a greener country, we too will be caught up with the Lord, once again in the place we were created to be. With Him.
This is the solution I’ve found to the conflicting feelings inside of me, and the conclusion to my restlessness: Nothing on this earth will satisfy, because it was not meant to. The only thing that can cure the yearning in my soul is the restoration that is yet to come, but that I get a taste of day by day as I walk with my Savior.
To many of you, this may seem blindingly obvious, and to others, it may come off as completely new. These feelings are ones I’ve had to wrestle with and work through for years, and even now, it took me over a week to finish this piece, as God was still showing me new things day by day. If you have any questions or need clarification, don’t hesitate to reach out. And if you’ve found yourself restless in this world of suffering and dissatisfaction, just know that you are not alone, and there is hope of the coming kingdom in the greatest book ever written.
Until next time friends, Namárië!
“He who testifies to these things [Jesus] says, “Surely I am coming quickly.” Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus! The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.” (Revelation 22:20-21)
