To be perfectly honest, I could say that about a lot of days. In fact, some might argue that every day changes the course of your life in some way, be it minute or magnificent.
So perhaps it’s odd that I choose to apply this label to a day I don’t even remember. September 7th, 2002.
My sister’s birthday.
At the time, I wasn’t even two. I remember no trip to this hospital. No crying child or smiling mother. I do not remember the day she was born.
But to be fair, I don’t actually remember a single day without her.
As far back as I can go, into the deep recesses of my memory, I find her giggling smile and exuberant eyes. I find my playmate, partner-in-crime, sous chef, side-kick, ally, main man, boon companion, bosom friend, soul-sister, and kindred spirit. My comfort, support, light, laugh, mind, and heart.
My best friend. My sister.
And today, she celebrates her emergence into adulthood over 1,000 miles away from me.
I’m happy for her, but at the same time, I somehow feel I’ve let her down by not being there. She has done more for me than I could ever hope to repay… and in return, I leave. I hope that it hurts me more than her, that she is stronger than I (and to be honest, I’m pretty sure she is). But I still know it’s hard. FaceTime, be it every day (sometimes multiple times), just isn’t the same.
God is with you, my Claire bear. And I know in my head that’s enough… but in my heart, I still mourn the fact that I can’t always be with you.
Without you, I feel incomplete.
My head butts back into the conversation, reminding me that God is the only one who should complete you. And for you, I desperately pray that He is. I am trying my best to let go. To trust that you’re in His hands, and He’ll never let you fall.
But my heart wants to fight for that control. I want it to be me holding you tight. Me who will never let you go. Me to depend on, me to run to, me to be your strength.
I insist I can do a better job, even while falling apart the second you’re gone. The past weeks I’ve been faced with the bitter truth: that I can’t be God for you. No matter how hard I try. In fact, I can’t even be those things for myself.
Only He can. The One who crafted each star in their dazzling hosts and knows them by name… He can provide for you. The One who set boundaries for the breaking waves and calms the fiercest storms… He can protect you. The One who clothes the flowers in their most minute details, even as they grow on the sides of a mountain no one will ever climb… He will always be with you.
So today, as you pass into adulthood, I’ll also pass you from my hands that grip so tight, into God’s that don’t need to. In Him, you can grow. In Him, you can find peace. In Him, you can rejoice.
Even when I’m not there. Especially when I’m not there. You can’t complete me and I can’t complete you. That’s too much pressure for both of us, and it will only lead to disappointment.
Instead, look up to the God who created you. The God who became flesh to understand your struggles, who died to wash away your sin, who lives within you at every moment. He is able when you are not. He is faithful when you are not. He is everything I wish I could give you.
He is with you today, even though I’m not.
I thank God every day for a lot of days, but I won’t lie: Today is one of my favorites. A day I get to celebrate you, my very best friend. And the day my life changed forever, for undoubtedly, the better.
Though I guess technically you didn’t have anything to do with you being born. Perhaps this whole post should have been a thank you to my parents for giving me such an amazing sister.
Ah well. Maybe next year 😉
I love you, Claire. Thank you for being my biggest cheerleader and my go-to listener. You’ve shared in my greatest joys and my darkest moments. You know things about me that no one else ever will, and you’ve stretched me in ways you’ll never truly understand. You’ve seen me struggle. You’ve seen me weep. You’ve seen me broken with laugher and dancing with joy.
I only hope to have done even part of this for you.
Happy Birthday!❤️
